This is part five of Vile, a novel in progress. Wanna read the first part first?
It’s six o’clock, so it’s time for Mortimer to turn on the television. He grabs the remote from where he always keeps it on a little table next to the couch and thumbs the power button. The screen flickers to life and, after some unnecessarily cool music and rapid crane shots, a news anchor begins telling everyone watching what the government wants them to think is important.
Our villain has a very different idea of what’s important, so he ignores the television for the time being. “So what have you been up to lately, Yuri?” While Mortimer doesn’t really care what Yuri has been doing, he usually finds Yuri’s exploits entertaining.
“Nothing much. A couple of small heists. Helped a couple of idiots break into Fort Knox again on Monday.”
Mortimer gives a small chuckle. “There hasn’t been anything in there since we robbed it ten years ago, and you still convince schmucks to try it every so often.”
“I always tell them beforehand, ‘No matter how the heist goes, you still pay the driver.’”
“And none of them have suspected anything?”
“The ones who do don’t get to suspect for very long.” Yuri grins, baring a set of terribly maintained teeth. “And they still pay the driver. What have you been–”
“Just a moment,” interrupts Mortimer, holding up one hand to silence his friend while turning up the volume on the television with the other.
“…series of crimes committed by the same man, Mortimer Hex, named by the police force ‘The Napoleon of Crime’…”
“Have you been messing with the teleprompters again?” ask Yuri.
Ah! to have a friend who knows one so well. Mortimer simply nods.
“You’ve been reading too many Sherlock Holmes stories.”
The man might have bad teeth, but he can understand any literary reference made in the English or Russian languages. “No such thing. Now keep listening; this is the good part.”
“…latest of which is the theft of several sensitive documents pertaining to the United States’ foreign policy in the Middle East–”
The audio and video cut out, leaving only bars of red, blue, and green on the screen and the message we are experiencing technical difficulties, we appreciate your patience.
“I knew they’d catch on there,” says Mortimer. “The next words were going to be the presidential cabinet’s social security numbers.”
Yuri seems only mildly impressed, but such a reaction is only natural in him, having known our villain for so long. “What are you going to do with the documents? Sell them?”
“If I must.” Mortimer sighs with the weight of genius. “I’d really prefer if someone tried to steal them back.”
Wanna try part six?